Yo dont text me then not text me
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
