If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
