Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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