The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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