Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
