Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
