living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
