My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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