Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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