youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
