You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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