i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
