I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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