Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize