So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
