Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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