ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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