I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
