Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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