I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
