she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
