I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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