I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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