i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
