i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
