Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
