The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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