its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
