taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I need moral support for this bender
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
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Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals