I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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