capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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