The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
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He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
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