He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
the raccoons are back...
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