I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
