He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
