It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
