...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Someone shattered a urinal.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
