Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
its not stalking. its research.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
