I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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