Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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