My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
