I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
