I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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