she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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