You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
