I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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