i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
