Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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