I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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