I'm so fucking centered right now
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
