There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
