if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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