I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
