Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
