so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
