I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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