i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
