all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
