I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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