this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
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